My day started with a goodbye greeting from my sister. Sigh* I’m so lonely waking up knowing that i’ll be alone for the whole day. I turned on the TV and found out that face to face is over ( my favorite reality show) 
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Lately i was so bothered, confused, and sad. I have no one to talk to. i can’t even consult my twin sister for some heart problems, and i understand that she needs to keep herself busy because she misses Ebb that much. Right in this moment of time i want to cry, alright i’m crying. I’m torn between two thoughts, two feelings, and i need to choose from what is right from wrong.
I checked Joash’s profile yesterday using my sister’s account since i deactivated my account for some reason that i want to keep to myself. And after that i cried, his status? in relationship with his mother. I know that he is a good guy, obedient, and he is all whom i want, i like, i love.:( and i know i cant have everything i wanted. So its better like this, love and expect nothing in return.
After my 2 days of isolation from my friends, and a limited contact with some close friends i realized that i cant be happy and selfish at the same time. If i wanted genuine happiness then i should be ready to face the consequences, be selfless and honest to myself especially to others. If i wanted to be selfish then i’d rather forget about happiness cause i can’t achieve both.
I’d rather love not because i’m lonely, not because i’m rejected and most of all not because i wanted to get a revenge. I know if i will say YES to him, i will not be alone, sad and miserable. I won’t be alone anymore walking home, going to mall, watching movies, having coffee cause i know i’ll have someone whom will never leave me. But the other side of it, am i really happy? i guess not. I don’t wanna be unfair. I don’t want to make someone who is very nice and sincere be happy just by telling him a lie. I’m in doubt because i’m not really happy. i don’t want to make another hopeless relationship just because i am not confident to fight till the end.
Id rather be selfless, sad, lonely and hopeful. Id rather be honest, miserable and hurt than be the fake me in someone’s arm and full of regrets. I just wanted to be me. I don’t want to let him feel worthless anymore. This decision would lead me to three consequences which i am now ready to face, to miss him, to miss him and to miss him so much. And why am i know crying? because finally i admit to myself that i’m ready to be alone again 
May God be with me.
-chan
