The Impossible Someone

Loving is being with strangers who you allow to invade your life. It’s difficult, It has no assurance, It’s complicated but what is keeping you together is the joy when you are with each other sharing happiness, love and time.

Sometimes life could be difficult to deal. Sometimes it’s confusing how you get into situation you have never thought you’d be in. In other way, you sometimes wanted to stop the time and be forever stuck in that once in a lifetime moment. No one knows why we created our own fantasies, dreams and hopes. We can’t even blame ourselves why we sometimes feel pathetic, pessimistic, and hopeless.

Life is a world of mystery. You’ll never know what will happen tomorrow. You can’t even control the weather, time, and even your emotions. We could have been anxious, or fearing the unknown for what will happen the next day, hour, minute, and second. But we barely feel the pressure because FAITH works, hoping that someday all of your dreams will come true.

Your brain controls your body even when you are asleep its working. When it’s damaged it can have an infinite imagination and later on will control you. Every tic of a clock is worth it, just like every step you take in your way to school. Every moment is special and designed for you to grow. Every decision you make is worth your future and every dream you dream is worth your own life story.

It’s impossible to find someone who is perfect just as the every detail you see in your dream, someone who could be with you, and who will eat your dinner with you. Whom you will tell your secrets and lies, someone who will tell you stupid jokes, sends you funny quotes, who keeps you warm when you’re cold. Cry, smile, and laugh with you while telling your stories.  Who will be with you praying the same prayer, saying the same wish, dreaming the same dream and doing the same things to make it all come true.

My mom once told me that God wouldn’t create an individual without a partner.  I know it’s impossible to find the impossible someone. But believe in your heart that they exist! They are sometimes hidden in our own selves trying to be transformed by you. So try to open your heart, find perfection in someone’s imperfection by letting him/her fill your weaknesses. Be grateful with someone’s time spent with you. You’ll realize how important is NOW than your Past and Tomorrow. Yesterday wasn’t important because you don’t have a control over it, what is done is done. Mistakes are part of everyone’s lives you can always look back, take a glimpse, sigh, learn from it and let go.  Your tomorrow isn’t as important as your present, not just because present means gift but because God provides your need just enough for a day. He provided us with wisdom to think, emotions to love, and freedom to choose.

Always think of the things that could make you a better person, be thoughtful to your someone special (it could be your mom, dad or sister) you do don’t have the whole time to do so. Love not because you need love, but love because you‘re ready to give love. Don’t go after looks it could fade, neither wealth it could disappear, nor sweetness and gentleness even the sweetest candy has an expiration date. Find genuineness in his smiles, his words and life. Allow love and joy flow into your life. Give chance, take chances and do what is right.

So make the best out of what’s holding you in today and alive forever.

-Chan-

 

Fraternity with Amor

It’s been 3 years since i posted the first PVD blog, and until now were still together. Yes, something has changed; people come and go, some stayed, and some found there comfort zone from other peers.

In the 6th month of 2007, we were once scattered in four walls of the room. We didn’t know each other, we even had our own critic, funny judgments and first impressions. Until we found ourselves solving a puzzle to form a good bunch of cliques. We unconsciously shared our issues, thoughts, and feelings. Loved and cared for each other like siblings. Like any other relationships we were tested with a twist of fate, unfortunately we need to separate ways. We had taken different roads, fought with our own obstacles, cried over hurting matters, laugh over funny events and one thing that i’m very thankful about is you guys were always there through ups and downs. I’ve never been to a group like you whom i can trust, i can undoubtedly share a part of my life. Every minute spent with PVD is all worth it.

Maybe we are not perfect, we are not the best but when were all complete it seemed heaven on earth. We don’t know what will happen in the future, we have no control over it, so we must always focus in HERE and NOW. I’ve realized that today is far more important than what is in the past and what is in the future. So lets enjoy and cherish the time and opportunity we can be together. I want to say that i’m thankful because i’m blessed with precious souls to accompany me in my journey here on earth.  Whom this blog is all about?  I’m talking about the Peeveedee.

 

-chan-

 

Dawn Call

My day started with a goodbye greeting from my sister. Sigh* I’m so lonely waking up knowing that i’ll be alone for the whole day. I turned on the TV and found out that face to face is over ( my favorite reality show) .

Lately i was so bothered, confused, and sad. I have no one to talk to. i can’t even consult my twin sister for some heart problems, and i understand that she needs to keep herself busy because she misses Ebb that much. Right in this moment of time i want to cry, alright i’m crying. I’m torn between two thoughts, two feelings, and i need to choose from what is right from wrong.

I checked Joash’s profile yesterday using my sister’s account since i deactivated my account for some reason that i want to keep to myself. And after that i cried, his status? in relationship with his mother. I know that he is a good guy, obedient, and he is all whom i want, i like, i love.:(  and i know i cant have everything i wanted. So its better like this, love and expect nothing in return.

After my 2 days of isolation from my friends, and a limited contact with some close friends i realized that i cant be happy and selfish at the same time. If i wanted genuine happiness then i should be ready to face the consequences, be selfless and honest to myself especially to others. If i wanted to be selfish then i’d rather forget about happiness cause i can’t achieve both.

I’d rather love not because i’m lonely, not because i’m rejected and most of all not because i wanted to get a revenge. I know if i will say YES to him, i will not be alone, sad and miserable. I won’t be alone anymore walking home, going to mall, watching movies, having coffee cause i know i’ll have someone whom will never leave me. But the other side of it, am i really happy? i guess not. I don’t wanna be unfair.  I don’t want to make someone who is very nice and sincere be happy just by telling him a lie. I’m in doubt because i’m not really happy. i don’t want to make another hopeless relationship just because i am not confident to fight till the end.

Id rather be selfless,  sad, lonely and hopeful. Id rather be honest, miserable and hurt than be the fake me in someone’s arm and full of regrets. I just wanted to be me. I don’t want to let him feel worthless anymore. This decision would lead me to three consequences which i am now ready to face, to miss him, to miss him and to miss him so much. And why am i know crying? because finally i admit to myself that i’m ready to be alone again May God be with me.

 

-chan

 

A Day with Love

A day spent with two important people in my life was a bit tricky but memorable. I didn’t expect this day to give me this great impact inside. There’s this guy whom I treasure much, in my heart, and a guy who became one of my best partner.

I never thought that everything that would turn out this way. Never thought that I would realize how I wanted to be cared, to be loved, and to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am. At first I told myself, I would be happy with someone who meets my standards, someone who is confident and with pride. I thought I can handle myself fair enough with someone who would let me do the things I want to do. Then I realized that freedom requires responsibility and independence, and it made me feel alone and hopeless. Every time he opens the door, I remember you opening it for me. Every time I cross the street I remember you beside me blocking away the speeding up cars. And when I’m hungry I remember you asking me what I would like to eat. I can always recall all your laddering questions, the way you laugh at me, the way I feel safe. You know what?  I missed you in those hours when I’m not with you. I wish I could find someone who would tell me my spelling isn’t correct, who would buy me sky flakes and water every time my tummy gets acidic.

One thing I can’t get out of my head this time is a realization that the reason behind pushing you away from me is that I doesn’t want to be attached to you. I don’t want to be dependent with your actions. The way you show you care just makes me weak; I don’t want to get used cause I know day will come that it would be difficult for me to let go and forget someone who just made me feel special. Sometimes it’s easier to stop your heart from falling rather than picking up the pieces. You’re definitely special!

Praying that God would bless my decisions may it goes with HIS plans in my life.

 

first step to you

I have read bo sanchez archieves while listening to amy seeley’s gravel lines. For the past 7 days I’ve never been so happy seeing my cousins again from manila. There were a lot of plans going on my head and I want to accomplish them all. But sadly, we can’t do all of those, fortunately just a few of them. Like visiting our lola together with our other cousins, AND for the first time we were complete. The most exciting and fulfilling day we had with our lola and lolo. I will miss all those times, all of them. I hope and pray that everything will go well with all of us. Centainly, it’s the best gift a one could receive from a family. You can look into our eyes how our hearts glow knowing that even the family isn’t that perfect yet we were Happy.

Well, I guess a contrary goes with me for the past few days. A battle with my heart, confused mind and arrogant soul prevails. I hope I could search into myself again the courage, hope, love and happiness I had way back then. I know, I should not depend my happiness to someone. I shouldn’t compare. I shouldn’t demand. And I shouldn’t be a perfectionist. I realized maybe I was looking into my life as a fairytale, a story with happy ending and a story with roses, chocolates and flowery words. I was expecting much with the person whom I love. And here I am, ended up dismayed.

It’s difficult to love but it’s more difficult to accept whom you love. I mean for who he is, to you and to others. The way he thinks? The way he reacts? The way he see things, that is very different from yours. The way he rejects you, the way he forgets about you and everything that goes with you. The way you feel left alone, the way you hope, the way you wish and the way you faithfully do everything for him. And now that you want to walk away and leave things behind. You can’t just let go of the memories you had with him maybe because you have learned to accept everything and love everything.

I am not strong, I am not numb and mostly I am not insensitive. I can’t hold on to things hurting me deep inside my soul. How I wished I could write another prayer to help me motivate to look unto you and say it would still work. Instead, I say a prayer asking for strength, courage and divine power to move on. I hope I am just joking, but it’s real this time. I am letting go. I thank GOD because He made me realized a lot about life, love, and sacrifice. If I could just marry HIM, I would but I couldn’t. So, I guess I just have to wait for someone HE made specially, perfectly, patiently, for me.

 

Title? hmmn Post Title

I am back into blogging again. I’ve been very busy in my nursing life recently. Sadly, i forgot about blogging, It took me even a hard time starting to write. I missed the feeling of satisfaction after posting one. The relief and the thrill knowing that my thoughts will be kept.

I hope nothing is changed in here. Unlike the few people i know
Today wasn’t a good day i started my day late, around 2pm? accomplished few task.
Had dinner with a friend, we had a little talk, exchanging thoughts and laughed about some crazy stuff at school. I went home happy and sad.

Happy because i know my thesis would be finished soon. I was able to wear my desired clothes even i walked in the rain. hahahaha Happy, cause i was able to eat chocolates,

Sad, because i am not with my twin sister, and i wished i am with her cause even if i don’t tell her that i’m sad right now, i know she will understand. Sad, cause my PRC forms were not yet duly signed.

And a man can’t talk to me. A simple “how are you?” to him seemed to be a very difficult question. He cant make a quick reply.

 

no one knows the shourtcut to the past.

I’m so tired.
I’m confused.
i cried.
and i don’t know.
I don’t know why.
i felt too much pain.
that was so yesterday.
but it still hurts.
was i not enough?
was i that stupid?
i could not move.
from the past where i was left hanging.
i can’t breathe.
and i don’t understand.
why can’t i forget.
why can’t i manage to just forget everything.
i need morphine.
and i need sedatives with long time effect.
Anesthesia will do.
I just can’t get over you.
i realized, hesitating to recognize
my true feelings won’t set me free.
I’m left.
i was left.
taken for granted.
to him I’m just good for nothing.
please…
make it easy for me.
i can’t close my eyes and cover my ears all the time.
i can’t always pretend that I’m fine.
When deep inside its an avalanche.
why can’t i let go of those memories.
it’s like a constant virus.
destructing the whole of me.

 

How is it suppose to be?! :]

Love her. Love him! and were ON ! Officially On! Committed! MArried. 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 – Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

When it comes my way. I tend to check if i am capable of loving. ANd then Love grows. In ascending manner. It doesn’t grows backwards. Discover many ways and, many things about each other. Learn to love him/her not by her physical qualities but how he views the world. I’m not refering to mental capabilities but looks upon the person’s optimism. The courage that is within him. The Beauty that he displays emotionally and socially. Being good to yourself doesn’t necessarily means being selfish. It shows how significant is your life to you, and the people around you.

“How a guy, treats his mother is as same as how he treats his wife to be” .

” Girl’s Criteria of choosing a lover is based on her father’s quality”

Along this process, it is much more meaningful and delightful if one relationship fails because of too much love for each other rather than the love that was lost and a love that lies. It is much more wonderful to hear if relationship grows stronger because of the discovered commonalities and rare find virtues than hearing the success of it because of personal goals.

Whether you like it or not. Love comes our way. But be sure to recognize a kind of love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

 

Smells ART

I remember way back in high school when i used to draw some of the famous portraits…i really admire my brush, its strokes give firm beauty and lightness to my obra. the sketching was quite difficult. you must be very careful, making sure that its detailed. One mistake results to devoid of its original picture, which each artist wouldn’t like to happen.

The First and the Last step was my favorite.

First; the EYES… using the small brush with the hard point. i don’t know why but i love filling the circles with charcoal powder leaving one small circle inside it( of course, following the direction of the eyes). Then, whenever there are unwanted lines or strokes. “CLAY ERASER” is the solution..originally called “Kneaded Eraser” the rest of the IV-AQUINO termed it the clay eraser, because obviously it seemed like a clay.hehehehe..One classmate of mine..loves to mold different structures from it (i forgot hes name)..Its soft and mouldable.It usually comes in color gray.

Last; Hmmmnnn.. Marie and I , loves the part of actually putting on our signature on the right bottom portion of the linen paper, above the date it was made.It was when i think the portrait was almost perfect and ready to be sealed in a frame. That certain portion is naturally charcoaled by our palms. If your wondering what particular charcoal we used. Well, its charcoal pencil. We didn’t have them from furnace (^^,) even if its possible..I remember my classmate brought with him a shell of coconut charcoal.hehehehehe…that was quite funny but he had some point, afterall those charcoal pencils came from that piece of charcoal shells. I’m not discriminating him nor condemning him in the name of art, Its just its not appropriate to bring charcoal shells in school. Anyhow, I love it smells (^^,)..its smells wood, Ever tried breaking your pencils? It has similar aroma, its relaxing though. And If you think I’m lunatic, for actually defining everything by its smell, well i think you’ve got some point on that matter. Anyways, lets go back to the signature “thing”,I see to it that its written dark and clean. I usually substituted eyeliner instead of using pen or pencil…sort of “TM”. Its a secret actually. but i dont mind including it here..i would be more grateful sharing a part of me.


…I miss our teacher, Mr. Romeo Rosario..he has been a good instructor,a coach and a caring father to us,he taught us a lot. about art and more about life. He’s very consistent in teaching us, from the basics, techniques until the difficult part of so called painting..Even if i didn’t meet his expectations in winning in some art contests. I, personally, can (humbly) say that i didn’t fail him in his expectations in a person he wants me to become.

 

He was there…

Well, actually im really not sure of what i am thinking lately…The whole week was bit oraganized and seems time just passed me by. Got million things to do. Hey, Im not really like this before, used to be laidback and carefree. BUT i guess its GOD’s will to be not in myself temporarily..hahahaha dont take it literally.. im not that chaotic at this moment of time. What im telling is that, since everythings fast changing.. im not feeling the things around me lately .(call it numbness its quite beed). .

Been this before. way back in high school…but the thing is i am facing it alone…Ever been in a state of “GGB” GULO GUlo BUHAy?!! hahahha…the usual  busy term in the (CON) -College of Nursing. .dept. I can still remember when my twin used to tell me, during my 50/50 condition (hahaha im not dying,,just nervous!)

“Ayaw pag’ulaw-ulaw uy..dili jud ka mabuhi ana!”

” T_T ay uy..dghan man gud tao!”
(my usual line…)

hahahha..funny still feelin’ my feet shaking right now..it was during our meeting de avance (did i spell it right?!! ) when i ran as USSG president..The whole court was filled with students… im not talking about a school here having only two sections in every year level…its like a sea of crowd.its like,, again a nightmare…but when your actually done with the stuff on the stage.. you will feel satistfied and relieved.and HUNGRY of course..hahahahaha…its true!

Back on the track… so why im saying its GOD’s purpose?!…hmmmnnnn i can’t really figure it out but.. whenever i cant understand whats goin on.. thats the time im sure God is working on, on it..( “it”-  my life)..I just trust HIM and keeps my Faith strong.  In the midst of my struggles and in the  flood of  joy.. HE WAS THERE…

ERRrrrr… feeling sleepy right now…i guess .i badly needs  a rest
….again, i have million things to do…i can do this….
Michael (Bestfriend) : always tells me to label tough things as “walay challenge” sounds airy at first but..believe me, it works !